havnt wrote on here for blimmin ages! i couldnt be botherd and i also kept forgetting!
well what have i done since may???
i have celebrated my 20th birthday in style! partying in ibiza! although on my actual birthday i actualy worked for 6 hours on commision and got 4 euros for it! not good! the reason i did this was because i was planning on staying out there! but turned out that because of the credit crunch no one was really there so was to quiet for me to get a job there! well a secure one! so i came home! but i didnt really mind because i had been seeing G alot and i actualy missed him.
so since i got back i was meeting with him alot and going on dates and things. but then yesturday i decided to stop things with him because im just not sure of the point of getting close to him! me and my ex splitting up has made me look at my self and think that i didnt like the way i treated him even though my friends say he deserved everything he got being a complete and utter twat!
however i could have behaved a bit better! and this makes me think that any relationship will end the same way because of my behaviour! i dont think i am grown up enough for a relationship as i want to have fun and i am extreemly stubborn. if i want something....im guna fucking have it! lol.
he is also quite boring which is understandable. but he is extreely hard to get close to and he knows this! he also doesnt show feelings, which i find impossible as i get paranoid as to what he is thinking. im also going to university in september, even though its not far and i will be coming back alot. im just very confused. i do not want my heart to get broken again and i dont want to play games with any one, which i always seem to do. i want to change but it just doesnt work whenever i try so i think it will just come with time.
he is going to ring me i a few days to see if i have changed my mind but i dont know what to do. my heart wants to be with him but my head says to stay single and enjoy my life while i am young.
its all so confusing still. i am always confused!
i just want everything to be clear and to stop worrying about things and just enjoy my self but it just doesnt seem to happen!
oh i dont know. im going to go now and have a bit of a think!!
xx
Tuesday 7 July 2009
Thursday 21 May 2009
thinking..............hmmmmm
im so annoyed at my self. i keep thinking off all sorts of things at the moment, so clearly my head is not sorted out yet. i keep thinking of my ex! 'm' now he was a complete prick. he used to beat me up and hes left me with two lovley big scars on my knee from where he cut my leg open by throwing plates at me! never mind though hey cuz i got through it. So this is my problem with me thinking of him! he doesnt deserve my thoughts. i think it is because he has a new girlfriend and i dont want him to have one. not because i want him or even remotley think he is in any way good looking anymore. i just want him to be miserable because he deserves to be, and also because i dont have anyone.
im also thinking of when i go to uni. i cant wait, its going to be amazing. just to get away from here and meet new people and start my life basicaly.
i am also getting quite annoyed because im new to this whole blog thing and i dont know how to search for blogs on here. im not even sure what i want to search for. i just want to read about other peoples problems so mine dont seem so bad and like im the only person going through something. i also want to read about things i can aspire to. so any help?
im so annoyed with my friends because they all think im wrong about 'g' but i keep listening to them and its doing my head in. i have never cared what people think about me so i dont know why i am starting now. well its not like i care what they think, its that there comments are making me think the same.
i dont really know what i am going to do about him yet, he doesnt even ring me or anything anyway. now im not sure weather this is so he doesnt seem to keen on me as i am only 19 so he knows i need my space. but then again i have told him to bloody ring me, as i dont want to look stupid if i keep texting him. oh i dont know. my life is so hard to work out what i want and what i should do. i wish i coud see a pathway or something, if that is even understandable?
i dont know where all these thoughts keep coming from my small head. once i start typing i kind of switch off and go onto auto pilot and keep typing and typing anything that pops into my head. i suppose its all a good realease in the end.
i bet you think im crazy. which you may be right in thinking so. but then again who is normal, or better yet what is normal? and who decides these things?
see i have so many unanswered questions flying about in my brain and i just wish there was someone who could tell me all the answers. and to tell me what to do and how i can become succesful in life an love. only in fairy tales tho hey.
right my mind fuck is about to end now for you. so cya xx
im also thinking of when i go to uni. i cant wait, its going to be amazing. just to get away from here and meet new people and start my life basicaly.
i am also getting quite annoyed because im new to this whole blog thing and i dont know how to search for blogs on here. im not even sure what i want to search for. i just want to read about other peoples problems so mine dont seem so bad and like im the only person going through something. i also want to read about things i can aspire to. so any help?
im so annoyed with my friends because they all think im wrong about 'g' but i keep listening to them and its doing my head in. i have never cared what people think about me so i dont know why i am starting now. well its not like i care what they think, its that there comments are making me think the same.
i dont really know what i am going to do about him yet, he doesnt even ring me or anything anyway. now im not sure weather this is so he doesnt seem to keen on me as i am only 19 so he knows i need my space. but then again i have told him to bloody ring me, as i dont want to look stupid if i keep texting him. oh i dont know. my life is so hard to work out what i want and what i should do. i wish i coud see a pathway or something, if that is even understandable?
i dont know where all these thoughts keep coming from my small head. once i start typing i kind of switch off and go onto auto pilot and keep typing and typing anything that pops into my head. i suppose its all a good realease in the end.
i bet you think im crazy. which you may be right in thinking so. but then again who is normal, or better yet what is normal? and who decides these things?
see i have so many unanswered questions flying about in my brain and i just wish there was someone who could tell me all the answers. and to tell me what to do and how i can become succesful in life an love. only in fairy tales tho hey.
right my mind fuck is about to end now for you. so cya xx
Monday 18 May 2009
confusion!!!
i slept with 'g' again last night! was pretty good but still no orgasm. no surprise there at all really. i think if i sleep with him a few more times i will feel more comfortable with him! like i do with 's' but then i have known 's' for about 3 years and the type of person he is, it is very hard to embarress yourself. although i did nearly die from embarressment when i was sleeping with him a few months ago and didnt realise that i had came on my period, and coverd his brand new sheets in my oh so red blood! also covering his body and cock in it! i was so embarressed i quickly put his sheets in the wash and got a bowl of soapy water to clean his bed, while he sat in the front room laughing his head off.
other embarressing sex stories? well when unwanted air goes inside me and then decides to release its self mid sex making a huge noise, is extreemly embarresing! but i think every girl has experienced this?
anyway back to feeling comfortable with men, which i do not apart from with 's'. i find my self being extreemly dirty in the bedroom when with him. like last week for example i was at home and horny so gave him a text and went round there. as soon as he opened the door i pushed him up against the wall and started to kiss him! then dragged him upstairs and pushed him on the bed. stripping him and my self of all clothes. sucking him and letting him watch me and me looking at him! which i never do! i also told him to come all over me which he loved and did! but i dont normaly do that kind of thing, except with him, which is strange. i wish i could feel this way with 'g' or anyone as i may be able to reach climax then, as i know for a fact i never would with 's' as his cock is basicaly non existant, which gets to the question why the fuck do i keep going back? i really am not to sure on the answer for this. i thought it was love but its not. i mean i do love him but only as a friend and i do fancy the pants off him! i only thought i loved him when me and my ex split up so it was rebound! i think it might be that i feel so comfortable with him!! hmm?#
anyway about 'g'. i dont know what i should do?
am i wrong to carry this on? after all he is 31 and i am only 19. my friends think its not so good, but then they no what im like so it doesnt really phase them when i tell them such things, as i say and do alot of crazy things.
hes not even that good looking, but his cock is delicous. and he has big strong arms that feel so good wraped around me. i feel so safe and happy in there.
i also do not see a future for this. so whats the point? i am young and probably on the verge of insanity. he is mature and has a straight head on him, although i do think he is boring and needs to liven up a bit. so maybe i am good for him?
well its not like i could introduce him to my dad. he would fucking go crazy. as my dad is 43 so its about the same age gap between him and my dad as there is for me and him.
oh i do apolagise for rambling on about a load of rubbish!
im going to leave it at that and hopefully my head willl be sorted in the next few days.
bye x
other embarressing sex stories? well when unwanted air goes inside me and then decides to release its self mid sex making a huge noise, is extreemly embarresing! but i think every girl has experienced this?
anyway back to feeling comfortable with men, which i do not apart from with 's'. i find my self being extreemly dirty in the bedroom when with him. like last week for example i was at home and horny so gave him a text and went round there. as soon as he opened the door i pushed him up against the wall and started to kiss him! then dragged him upstairs and pushed him on the bed. stripping him and my self of all clothes. sucking him and letting him watch me and me looking at him! which i never do! i also told him to come all over me which he loved and did! but i dont normaly do that kind of thing, except with him, which is strange. i wish i could feel this way with 'g' or anyone as i may be able to reach climax then, as i know for a fact i never would with 's' as his cock is basicaly non existant, which gets to the question why the fuck do i keep going back? i really am not to sure on the answer for this. i thought it was love but its not. i mean i do love him but only as a friend and i do fancy the pants off him! i only thought i loved him when me and my ex split up so it was rebound! i think it might be that i feel so comfortable with him!! hmm?#
anyway about 'g'. i dont know what i should do?
am i wrong to carry this on? after all he is 31 and i am only 19. my friends think its not so good, but then they no what im like so it doesnt really phase them when i tell them such things, as i say and do alot of crazy things.
hes not even that good looking, but his cock is delicous. and he has big strong arms that feel so good wraped around me. i feel so safe and happy in there.
i also do not see a future for this. so whats the point? i am young and probably on the verge of insanity. he is mature and has a straight head on him, although i do think he is boring and needs to liven up a bit. so maybe i am good for him?
well its not like i could introduce him to my dad. he would fucking go crazy. as my dad is 43 so its about the same age gap between him and my dad as there is for me and him.
oh i do apolagise for rambling on about a load of rubbish!
im going to leave it at that and hopefully my head willl be sorted in the next few days.
bye x
Thursday 14 May 2009
horny horny horny
havnt wrote for a while, to be honest i forgot that i had made this blog!
not that anyone is actualy reading it but never mind i shall still carry on.
im watching extreem male beauty at the moment and the presenter is trying to get a bigger cock.
now i cant help thinking that there is a certain someone i know that should have this done, as he is not exactly 'big' down there! i mean if i go on top and wiggle back and forward this does somehow feel semi-good. any other way i feel like saying 'is it in??'
'g' on the other hand does have a normal sized cock not to big not to small. i have only slept with him twice but i do want to sleep with him again. i keep getting incredibly horny. Everynight like clockwork i keep feeling the urge to be touched, so being human i do so. this however is getting incredibly boring as i want a man to come satisfy me! if that is infact possible. i still am orgasm free! why cant i have one? im begining to think that it is impossible for me to climax from sex, well a cock anyway. a tounge does me just fine but the orgasam from penetration is supposed to be so much more intense and i would very much like to experience this for my self one day! sooner rather than later. doubt i will ever experience this though. 'g' may be the one to do this for me if not myself, as he is older and more experienced than i am. oh dear god i am horny again!
im going to go and have a 'think' about things now! write soon, to no one reading so dont know why i bother!
bye x
not that anyone is actualy reading it but never mind i shall still carry on.
im watching extreem male beauty at the moment and the presenter is trying to get a bigger cock.
now i cant help thinking that there is a certain someone i know that should have this done, as he is not exactly 'big' down there! i mean if i go on top and wiggle back and forward this does somehow feel semi-good. any other way i feel like saying 'is it in??'
'g' on the other hand does have a normal sized cock not to big not to small. i have only slept with him twice but i do want to sleep with him again. i keep getting incredibly horny. Everynight like clockwork i keep feeling the urge to be touched, so being human i do so. this however is getting incredibly boring as i want a man to come satisfy me! if that is infact possible. i still am orgasm free! why cant i have one? im begining to think that it is impossible for me to climax from sex, well a cock anyway. a tounge does me just fine but the orgasam from penetration is supposed to be so much more intense and i would very much like to experience this for my self one day! sooner rather than later. doubt i will ever experience this though. 'g' may be the one to do this for me if not myself, as he is older and more experienced than i am. oh dear god i am horny again!
im going to go and have a 'think' about things now! write soon, to no one reading so dont know why i bother!
bye x
Saturday 2 May 2009
sex and lust.
well i have never had a blog before. I thought i would start one up as my mind seems to be all over the place at the moment and it seems like a good way to get all those trapped thoughts out.
so.... whats going on in my life?
i am newley single from a three year relationship with a complete idiot, i shall call him...'M'.
i am enjoying being single, however i do find it very confusing as to what it is that i want right now, i keep thinking that i do not want to get into anouther relationship for quite some time now as after all i am only 19 and have wasted the last 3years of my life on a relationship that was doomed to fail from the begining. I however find myself to be getting extreemly deep feelings for any guy that i 'hook up' with, even though i do not want a relationship i would like someone to love me and take care of me, and cuddle me in bed! so maybe what i want is an open relationship. but those never seem to work do they? one of the people in such a relationship would surley get jelous and insecure?
well my recent encounter with a man was last week. i had seen him before at my friends work (she works in a pub) and he is a local. i will call him 'G' it didnt even cross my mind about starting anything up with him, no more than idle chit chat if you will. last friday i went to go pick my friend up from work who i will call 'M1'but we ended up staying for a few drinks, one thing led to anouther and we went back to G's house to carry on the drinking. he simply asked me if i would like to sleep in his bed that evening as i couldnt get home. i said yes and within seconds of us being upstairs in his room we were ripping each others clothes off passionatly. i was quite happy with the size of him and the way he perfomed, as the last person i had sex with was not quite so well endowed!
In the morning, once i had got home i started to feel guilty about last nights steamy sex session as i had found out that he was considerably older than i was, which i knew he was older but not as old as he turned out to be! this then stopped when it happend again a few nights later when i had a free house as my dad had gone away for business. since that night i have been thinking of him a great deal. which i really dont want to as it is very clear he does not like me in the same way. i gave him my number and he has not rang or text me and im pretty sure he isnt going to.
its not like im not going to see him, i pick M1 up from work quite reguarly and he is normaly in there. why do men do this? i dont understand why they fuck with your heads when they have you naked wrapped up in there arms! when the clothes are back on and your in public then the mayaswelll not even aknowledge your presence!
well thats all i can be bothered to spill out of my crazy mind at the moment but i will be writing more soon. if there is anyone that is going to read this, i do apolagise now for my poor choice of words and spelling, and that most of the time i will not make much sense as my mind is all over the place.
so.... whats going on in my life?
i am newley single from a three year relationship with a complete idiot, i shall call him...'M'.
i am enjoying being single, however i do find it very confusing as to what it is that i want right now, i keep thinking that i do not want to get into anouther relationship for quite some time now as after all i am only 19 and have wasted the last 3years of my life on a relationship that was doomed to fail from the begining. I however find myself to be getting extreemly deep feelings for any guy that i 'hook up' with, even though i do not want a relationship i would like someone to love me and take care of me, and cuddle me in bed! so maybe what i want is an open relationship. but those never seem to work do they? one of the people in such a relationship would surley get jelous and insecure?
well my recent encounter with a man was last week. i had seen him before at my friends work (she works in a pub) and he is a local. i will call him 'G' it didnt even cross my mind about starting anything up with him, no more than idle chit chat if you will. last friday i went to go pick my friend up from work who i will call 'M1'but we ended up staying for a few drinks, one thing led to anouther and we went back to G's house to carry on the drinking. he simply asked me if i would like to sleep in his bed that evening as i couldnt get home. i said yes and within seconds of us being upstairs in his room we were ripping each others clothes off passionatly. i was quite happy with the size of him and the way he perfomed, as the last person i had sex with was not quite so well endowed!
In the morning, once i had got home i started to feel guilty about last nights steamy sex session as i had found out that he was considerably older than i was, which i knew he was older but not as old as he turned out to be! this then stopped when it happend again a few nights later when i had a free house as my dad had gone away for business. since that night i have been thinking of him a great deal. which i really dont want to as it is very clear he does not like me in the same way. i gave him my number and he has not rang or text me and im pretty sure he isnt going to.
its not like im not going to see him, i pick M1 up from work quite reguarly and he is normaly in there. why do men do this? i dont understand why they fuck with your heads when they have you naked wrapped up in there arms! when the clothes are back on and your in public then the mayaswelll not even aknowledge your presence!
well thats all i can be bothered to spill out of my crazy mind at the moment but i will be writing more soon. if there is anyone that is going to read this, i do apolagise now for my poor choice of words and spelling, and that most of the time i will not make much sense as my mind is all over the place.
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